Ich bin nicht Stiller, ich bin noch nicht mal still.
I’m not Stiller.(Beginning of Herrmann Hesse’s Stiller.)
I’m not even „still (quiet)“ at all.
So, as Albert Einstein said: „Be a Voice, not an Echo“, I want to try to be either voice or echo to my brother, who died 48 yrs old on a Thursday night, in his bedroom of a small, in that night really tidy and well-looked-after state, he obviously wanted to give his family the bow for, that they kept all his allures, chaos, illness and paranoia as their specific thorn in life, everyone has.
Ich bin nicht stiller, why I’m not amused, that he passed away so quickly and unexpected. He was in hospital since April, when I called the Police to inform them, that my brother is unawarely threatening my life and worthiest possessions: my kids and wife.
Willing to give them the best education after I may burn either in hell, prison or some other capture for mentally or psychologically especially challenged people with freaky-creepy threatening potential for the deeds I’ve done, mainly to him.
I would at least have liked the idea to meet him once on his last way from a freaky fast-growing cancer or something and shake hands, after we agreed, that he made my life much richer, because he made me stronger for being my sometimes slightly over-enthusiastic bodily elder brother while I ruined your life for being the sunshine for my parents and others without really understanding, that was the only role I was good in playing at at my very beginning.
Happy costs nothing and somehow I was happy all my life. We all were. Besides the signs of depression, that also in the older generations was a topic, it never went a problem these days, because the real problem of war, hunger, hard work kept your brain going for the real things needed, not for a full stop an a psycho-physical reflection journey, with psychedelic patterns and self-enriching drugs.
If I was the echo of my brother, what was there to say about him.
That he loved Mozart and Bach and the Beetles … and me.
All maybe true, but certainly he didn’t love me. Certain enough it took me a while, until I understood, that my greatest criticism will forever be my brother, my greatest aggressor and fight teacher, the awaker of my consciousness of how much I wanted life.
When my mother was expecting me, she was on a winter sled ride with my brother and fell. Her doctors said, I was not to keep. I would go away myself next hours, what I didn’t like as an ultimative maybe too ireversible move for my young life. So I decided to stay and instead my brother went with his ambitions for snow to be my baby killer, but I was Satan himself at his side to make his life as unpleasant as possible. And I did. Was funny and didn’t much attention or help. Life fell easy to me, as well as books, knowledge, interests, faible, hobbies and friends.
Georg, out of greek history, meaning „the farmer“ his fun name was for long: Gregor, the wise, I don’t know exactly, why this name hasn’t overcome into todays world, but in my experience the growing wisdom of Georg, the farmer, a name, that really fit better to his beliefs, was indeed overseeable.
He had his good sights, if you were his friend, he was a really loyal one, some ethical and moral patterns in his head and soul showed high spirit and an great love for truth and loyalty, hence other more diverging patterns also could be attested heavily over time.
Nevertheless his bipolar, narzistic and schizophrenic sight of life, that he always diagnosed me for, told me, how my life could also end, if I play not well enough with wife, children and my belongings.
Just lost a lot of money, while my brother accused my parents, that wouldn’t steal from an Elster, an European bird, that is all known for his attraction for shining materials of all sort, have on purpose betrayed him by some 30t€, what a short recherché showed wrong firs hand.
I believe with true wish to understand Yin und Yang, Die and become right, that, when a life ends, something different or similar shows up, Old life in new format. I believe, there is a thousand souls in myself, as the Magical Theatre in Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse explains, and they are all in coexistence with each other and praedominant each at a time. I am the cave man as the king, the beggar and the superstar, Leonidas and Sysiphus, Herkules and Helena.
I was a woman too and can therefore understand, why no-one wanted to marry my brother. Better for them, better for him, therefore better for us. Better for their parents and family also.
Was some unnice situation with an axe and a threat against an uncle of us, because he feared, her new girl-friend and her daughter is somebody after their panties.
He was loyal to his friends, he was generous in spending on others and would have helped anybody under all circumstances. That counts on him and gave him credits.
Sometimes he would even had offered help, that was unwanted and reached my loading prime minister for the van while moving to our house and gave him good advice how to store and how to fix the load, therofore not keeping his duty and made the only scratch in one of my furniture the whole day. IT was the 7th of May 2011 and the date I have foreseen since October as our moving date without Georg. He was either too up or to down to be of any help. The problem with a bipolar person in your surrounding: Sometimes it’s not easy to catch the good tunes only.
It‘ s a tidy wave and the greatest likelihood of a penned is at the edges, because that’s the slowest part of the movement. So if you shoot pictures of a penned randomly, the most will be close to the edges. only some in the middle of the pendulum, still, if you integrate it all over time, you’ll see, that the pendle seems to rest in the middle and just prefers to pendel a bit around it’s fixed point in space, when you call being on a ball like Earth traveling with some 30km/s through space, surely dependent, with what star or system you would define relative speed.
I guess, my brother hated me for being a phycicist and wanting to explain blue heavens, green grass, only half perceived moons behind a blue sky, time length for the light from sun to earth, but I never met his tonality I guess, for real advice, that he obviously neither needed nor wanted, but he was really good in telling me, how absurd and bizarre my life is and how ill I was, not to see it, as it is: Reality. But in shit colors. And worse. Thin shit with creepy pieces.
One awkward question:
Is there grief?
I do not know about grief, even I had a lot. I think, that I just mislike, he’s gone without a good word after so many bad. I wonder, there’s no letter of whatsoever explaining has last feelings about his behated, inferior brother and why it wasn’t worth it too repeat insultance or revanche on last open bills or just say good bye in a friendly manner: I’m sorry for what you experienced through me, I was not intending to hurt you, we both know, life is sometimes harder as it seems. Let’s go head up high, shake hands, no worries and good journey, bro.
If it was my resume, I would add, that not having a chance to thank him, how strong he met me, even though at the beginning I never wanted to know, how strong I have to be in this life, is something that hurts a lot, but when I think of, how much peace it may give him know, writing in calm and precice words like in 5th class graphical hand-writing course to his parents, who has got the keys to his apartment, When he’s not answering the door bell.
My parents have found him blue at the end, as they have received him from God 48 years ago. My father often said: I have cried as he was born, I have cried so many times for and with him, I cry now, I will cry when he dies, or when I die before him“
Big Brother Georg, the farmer, the great and only, great example in life, my greatest teacher of modesty and patience, my most irradical mirror, you companion in childhood and life, fare you well and may the stars light brighter to you now and may eternity heal all the wounds you took in a millisecond of the Universe, in there you have been Georg, our son, nephew, cousin and brother. May you rest in peace, may you raise and regrow, become and inspire the Universe with all Good and Enlighted you brought into life or took with you wherever you are now.
Fare well, my brother, no worries, fare well.
P.S. I fell in love with something new. Is that the saying that you better let go with a smile instead of keeping it under tears?
I have no time to hate the people who hate me. I am too busy to love the people, who love me.
I am excited about any feedback to my brother and any contribution to honor his life and friendship. Feel free in any language and let’s toast together that he has finally succeeded in climbing the Stairways to Heaven.